My Thorn
In this blog post, I am a little more vulnerable than I have been in the past. There was a time in which my therapy and healing came from my letters pinned to God in my previous blog a few years back that I had for quite some time. Today, I choose to be vulnerable with a purpose, on purpose. I know that there is someone out there reading this right now, who can be set free and encouraged, by my vulnerability. I pray that wherever you are that you draw near to God and trust in His faithfulness and hold tightly to His truths; for He will never forsake you nor leave you (Hebrew 13:5).
My letter to God on 1/19/24:
God I am hurting. This feels like torture, though I know you are not one who brings torture.
I desire a spouse and yet at times hate the very desire. For the very desire makes me weak. I hate being weak. Sadly, I have learned that I hate my humanity. Which is not what you’ve called me to as what makes me human is what you’ve created me to be. I am made in your image and as a result I need to love what makes me who I am and who’ve you created me to be.
It’s funny because I have found myself for years asking you to remove my thorn. The thorn that is my desire to be married. I have throughout the years begged you to remove the desire from my heart to want a husband. I don’t like feeling weak and wanting something that has brought me great sorrow, is too much to bear. Though you share that your burden is easy and your yolk is light, you do not give us more than we can bear(Matthew 30:11). So why then, does it feel like you have?
I gave my life over to you at 18 so if anything I count from 18 to 29, which is over 11 years. 11 years of waiting. If I wanted to consider the time before I was saved it would be even more and even before 18 I knew of you, believed in you, and had been raised within the faith since I was a young girl. Why then have you let other Christian women and men meet their spouse during middle school, high school, college, and even in their workplace, and not me? So many Christian’s that I know were married in their early 20s and those who are my age are raising families by now. It hurts that I was not given that same blessing. Despite not having the man of my dreams, I refuse to be desperate and choose just any man to be my husband. I want to choose the best for myself, because my future and legacy depends heavily on who I choose to be my life long partner. I rather never marry than desperately just choose anyone or I could’ve been married by now. I’ll wait. It’s worth the wait despite the pain the absence of my life long partner brings.
Do I have many other blessings? Yes and I am so thankful for my mind and career that you have blessed. I am thankful for my anointing and being a Licensed Minister who gets to love on your children daily, for we as Christian’s have a daily ministry to spread your love and gospel, to be a light and salt of this earth (Matthew 5:13-16). I am blessed for the house you gave me at 25 and you named it my harvest, thank you! I am blessed for my family and friends. I am thankful for our health and well being. I am thankful for my finances that you have blessed in order that I can be a blessing unto others, thank you! I could go on and on but I do thank you Lord.
But yet, there is one blessing that I crave and desire, and yet do not have. The blessing and gift of a godly husband. In which we together, through our union of marriage, can bless the earth with; “your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10 NIV). To have a family and legacy which keeps you at the center Lord. To be a blessing unto others and spread the love of God with. Not just to and for each other, but with those around us. Why then, haven’t you given me this blessing? Why have you made me wait so long? I have questioned the “why” for so long that I am exhausted. I am tired. I no longer have any fight left in me.
Two months ago you brought me to my knees and had me give up every desire in my heart. After fighting with you for years just like Jacob wrestled with an angel, I gave up. Similar to Jacob who was defeated by you, I too feel defeated. Though, I am thankful that I finally chose to fully surrender it all to you. For the first time I was healed in a way that I never had been before as a result of surrendering to you. I said to you and I will say it again: If I never get married, have kids, or become a multimillionaire (more than just to bless me and my family but others), then I still will serve you. I will remain obedient and faithful. There will be days in which I am sad, angry, and frustrated. There will be days in which I grieve what I do not have. However, you are more important than the desires on my heart. For you owe me nothing. I am owed nothing. My salvation is the greatest gift that I could’ve received and for that I am thankful. I am blessed.
So despite the fact that I do not have the deepest desires on my heart fulfilled, I am blessed to be called your child. Your chosen one, who is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Who has been called for such a time as this (Esther 4:14). Who is deemed righteous and holy, a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9). Thank you Lord for I am not worthy of your love, but yet you have chosen to love me anyways. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for giving your only begotten son on earth for us, our sins (John 3:16). Thank you Lord. For I will win this race. I will run the race well and cross the finish line. I will be deemed faithful and obedient.
Thank you Jesus!
Signed your daughter who is hurting.
Prayer:
Take my pain and ashes and make it beautiful. Heal me oh Lord. Soften my heart and fill the places that are empty and broken. Fill me with all of you and empty me of myself so that I can be all that you have called me to be. In times of trial and tribulation, in temptation, help me to remain faithful and obedient. Please bless my obedience and faithfulness with a God given spouse. Let him come into my life before I turn 30 (Oct 18) please and if you do not, help me to remain obedient and faithful until my time on this earth is up.
In Jesus mighty name, amen!
Questions for you to pray about with God:
What is it on your heart that you desire and have yet to receive or see the fruit of?
How do you plan to remain rooted in Christ during the wait?
What if you never receive what you are praying for, what you desire? Will you still choose to love God? Will you still choose to love Him by your obedience and faithfulness in all things according to His word?
If you do receive the very thing you desire how do you plan to steward it well? How will you ensure it does not become an idol?
Please know that I am praying for you and welcome you reaching out to me on my contact page, email, or social media!
Connect with me here: https://msha.ke/bryagpotter
Scriptures referenced:
Paul’s Vision and His Thorn
“I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. 2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. 3 And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— 4 was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. 5 I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. 6 Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 NIV
“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.” ~Hebrew 15:3 NLT
Salt and Light
13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” ~Matthew 5:13-16 NIV
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~Psalm 139:14 NIV
”But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.“ ~1 Peter 2:9 NLT
“For if you remain silent at this time, reliefand deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” ~Esther 4:14 NIV
”“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.“ ~John 3:16-17 NLT
