Valentine’s Day Blues: Overlooked

14 Feb

Have you ever felt overlooked? Not desired? Not wanted? Not accepted? I have and as a result, most of my life I have felt these deep feelings of grief, sadness, and loneliness. I have been more overlooked than accepted. More hated than loved, not desired. I have yet to be found worthy of a man’s love; this stings badly. I have also struggled to be accepted and loved in platonic relationships with women. I can’t seem to find love anywhere; whether platonic or romantic. It breaks my heart.

I write this blog the day before Valentine’s Day. God is calling me to kill my desire and expectations of and for Valentine’s Day. Is it okay to want to be loved? Yes! However, a manmade holiday should not lead me to a great deal of sadness. As a mature believer, God is calling me to a place where I put less of my faith and fulfillment through people and things, such as a manmade holiday, but instead in Him! Knowing that He is greater than he who is in this world…and the things of this world (1 John 4:4).

Again, is it a bad thing that I wished I had a husband in this season to celebrate love with everyday? No. Is it a bad thing that I wished my Valentine’s Day travel plans would’ve went how I desired? No and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I have been tested by God…the question He is asking is: “Will I still love Him and honor Him even though nothing went my way this week?” From having a door shut with a man that I thought was my husband and my Valentine’s Day trip almost being cancelled and now needing to be pushed to the weekend instead of when I was originally meant to fly out tomorrow? No. None of my feelings are bad.

However, if I let the things that I did not have bring me back to a place of bitterness towards God, then that would be a clear indicator that my heart isn’t healed. That something is off and needs to be addressed by God. I thank God that He truly blessed me with divine healing three months ago. As a result, despite me receiving another no towards a man that I thought was my husband, and a no regarding my paid travel plans for Valentine’s Day…I still choose to love Jesus and trust in Him despite not being able to understand and see why things continue to go the way that they do. Though I cannot see all that God is doing, I trust Him and His perfect will for my life; as I am sure it is much greater than what I could’ve even imagined or thought of; “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him” (Matthew 7:11 NLT).

So, on the day before Valentine’s Day, my heart aches and my heart hurts. It is broken and being mended by God. I will be in Rochester, alone for most of the day. I will probably end up going over my parent’s home to be with my family; something I didn’t want to do since there is just a great feeling of emptiness when I realize that I don’t have my person to fill that void. Now my travel plans have been pushed from tomorrow to the weekend. Prayerfully I’m still allowed by God to get out of Rochester for a while…for He orders my steps and I allow for His will to prevail and have first place in my life.

I encourage all of my single, divorced, and widowed brothers and sisters out there that God hears your cries, event the silent ones. He knows the desires on your heart and if they are a part of His perfect will, it will come to pass. Thank God for the relationship that has yet to come. Trust God for He says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:6 NIV).

Praying for you in this season of waiting! Remember to give yourself grace to embrace your humanity.