Lonely

5 Feb

Dear God,

I am lonely and bored. I guess one would call this a dangerous combo. Especially for someone who is waiting for the Lord. I am waiting. I am King David in the cave after running away from his son, who had attempted to kill him (Psalm 3). I am Jonah under the plant, after running away from God to give a word from the Lord to Nineveh (Jonah 4). What they shared in common was their vulnerability and the rawness of their pain. Though I am not running away from God I am trying to run away from my pain, from my humanity. Not having a partner is agonizing. Not having more Christ centered friends is agonizing. The weekends become lonely. The weekends I don’t look forward to as much as I had in years past. Because it is on the weekends that my reality thickens. In this season I spend most of my weekends lonely. In my home, talking to God, a friend on the phone if they are available, and or my family that always remains consistent. However, there gets to be a time in your life where even your family begins to become a mundane part of your schedule and you have to fight to look at the very blessing of even having the beautiful gift of your family. Mine consists of my parents and two younger siblings.

I am like Sarah who laughed at God when He shared that the very desire on her heart, that she would receive, even in her old age (Genesis 18). And indeed Sarah bore a child, Abraham’s first born child in her 90s.

Similar to Sarah, I laugh at the very thought that I would ever be blessed with a husband in this season. A life long partner. A lover. A Kingdom fighter. How could it happen? It’s been over 11 years of waiting and still I have found no suitable partner just like Adam had not in the garden of Eden (Genesis 2:19). But soon God created Adam’s wife from his own flesh and Eve was created and became one with him (Genesis 2:22-24). Will I ever encounter my Adam? Or is it a desire on my heart that will not be fulfilled? The interesting thing is, I can choose who I want when I want. In essence, I could’ve been married by now…but there is an “if” there. If I would’ve just settled for less…second best. I am so thankful that despite the deep agony I feel in my heart at 5 am in the morning as I write out my pain, that I love myself enough to not settle. For I know that God has a high call and anointing on my life. Therefore, it would be such a great dishonor to both God and I, to not use my free will to choose well, to choose the best suitable partner for where I am both at in life and where I am going.

So, as I lay in my bed to share my greatest pains with the Lord as I write, my heart hurts. I’ll never be able to describe just how deep the agony runs within me from not having my partner in my life. In addition to more Christ honoring friendships. The very things I’ve desired on my heart all of my life, have been the very areas of my life that the enemy has been strategic at attacking. However, I understand very well why God doesn’t allow many in my life. He is protecting me for where I am and where He is taking me. I cannot just entertain anyone whether that be a platonic relationship (friendship) or romantic one.

So, I wait. I wait for what has not been promised to me. I wait for the man of my dreams, an honorable and devoted man of God, who will love me well, to cross my path in this season. I wait for more sisters in Christ to call friend. As I wait, I choose to bring you all on this journey with me. And if my desires come to pass, how even greater will we celebrate what God has done and will continue to do, with is being a miracle maker…because this indeed would take a miracle.

Sincerely,

Pinned your daughter, Brya

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Scriptures

”My body and my heart may grow weak. God, you give strength to my heart. You are everything I will ever need.“ ~Psalm‬ ‭73‬:‭26‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

”Those who don’t want anything to do with you will die. You destroy all those who aren’t faithful to you. But I am close to you. And that’s good. Lord and King, I have made you my place of safety. I will talk about everything you have done.“ ~Psalm‬ ‭73‬:‭27‬-‭28‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you" ~Deuteronomy 31:6

“Do not be afraid. Do not lose hope. I am the LORD your God. I will be with you everywhere you go." ~Joshua 1:9

“The Good News: Our hope should never deplete, because we know God will always be there for us.” ~ Hebrews 10:23

"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." ~Psalm 51:17 CSB

Psalm 3

A psalm of David when he ran away from his son Absalom.

”Lord, I have so many enemies! So many people are rising up against me! Many are saying about me, “God will not save him.” Lord, you are like a shield that keeps me safe. You bring me honor. You help me win the battle. I call out to the Lord. He answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep. I wake up again, because the Lord takes care of me. I won’t be afraid even though tens of thousands attack me on every side. Lord, rise up! My God, save me! Strike all my enemies in the face. Break the teeth of sinful people. Lord, you are the one who saves. May your blessing be on your people.“~ Psalm‬ ‭3‬:‭1‬-‭8‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

”Jonah had left the city. He had sat down at a place east of it. There he put some branches over his head. He sat in their shade. He waited to see what would happen to the city. Then the Lord God sent a leafy plant and made it grow up over Jonah. It gave him more shade for his head. It made him more comfortable. Jonah was very happy he had the leafy plant. But before sunrise the next day, God sent a worm. It chewed the plant so much that it dried up. When the sun rose, God sent a burning east wind. The sun beat down on Jonah’s head. It made him very weak. He wanted to die. So he said, “I’d rather die than live.” But God spoke to Jonah. God said, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?” “It is,” Jonah said. “In fact, I’m so angry I wish I were dead.”“ ~Jonah‬ ‭4‬:‭5‬-‭9‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

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